Old McDonalds Farm
Cat- Sassy, Uptight, Wears Blouses and Pencil Skirts.
Dog- Relaxed, Laid-back, Has a greaser hipster look.
Ronald- Giant red Afro (resembles a famous clown)
Grandma Wendy- Red Haired Pig tails, and a Dorothy-esque dress.
Pig- Overweight, Loves eating, Wears Sweat pants and shirt.
Cow- Prim, Nosey, and Gossip librarian look wears Glasses.
Horse- Regal Gent, Wears a monocle, and blazer with boots.
Sheep: Wears Poodle Skirts, and fluffy Sweaters.
Donkey: Wears Nascar Shirts, and ill-fitted pants.
Chicken: Wears White peasant blouse, and Yellow Leggins.
Duck: Dressed Flamboyantly in neons and sparkles.
[We open with a cat holding accordion in front of a barn Animals sitting in the background]
Cat: This is the Story of how I found love through loss, how my pain became beauty, with a touch of humor and little bit of love. [bows head]
[Key Music “Come with me now, by Kongos”]
[Cat sings song while other animals arrive in the stage background playing drums Cat fake plays accordion to music while singing]
[Cat walks towards back of stage as other animals filter in our focus going towards a Cow and a Pig talking]
Pig: Can you believe Old McDonald is passed away(snort)? His son Ronald is just such a clown. (snort) He can’t run a farm, He could barely flip burgers at that other job of his.
Cow: I don’t like the way he keeps eyeing me like some piece of meat. I think it’s utterly disgraceful. Hmph.
[Cat Walks up]
Cat: Well isn’t this purrfect? Is this the weight watchers convention?
Pig: Why do you have to be so catty?
Cat: Because I’m a fucking cat, you Anna Nicole wannabe.
Pig: Why don’t you go find a ball of yarn and choke yourself.
Cat: Meow! Someone’s testy, if you get too hot-headed you’ll be bacon my heart.
Cow: Stop it! Now! Both of you. I can’t stand it. If you all have a beef take it somewhere else. Your fighting and Old McDonald’s death it’s, it’s just too much. It’s moooving me to tears. (sobs)
Cat: Oh calm down, you walking Manitee. I just came over to tell you that apparently a new animal is coming to the farm.
Cow/Pig: [in unision] OH MY GOD!
Cow: How’d you know?
Pig: What kind of animal?
[Horse Walks behind group from pack of animals]
Cat: Calm down, just hold your horses!
Horse: Excuse me?
Cat: Not you! It’s just an expression don’t get your Mane in a tangle. [looks back to cow and pig] Anyway the new animal.
Horse: New animal? [neighs loudly] Everyone gather round!
[all animals huddle up towards the group to listen]
Horse: Go on cat!
Cat: As I was saying.
[Stage Blacks out, Spotlight to Dog carrying knapsack on a stick and a guitar]
[Key Music “Run Away Train, by Soul Asylum”]
[Dog Sings Song playing guitar at End Ronald enters Stage running into dog the scene is set with a train station in the background]
Ronald: OH! Sorry buddy.
Dog: It’s Ok, nothing’s really been going my way no family, no friends, no work.
Ronald: Don’t get too down on yourself, you know its always possible to pick up the pieces and start putting them back together.
Dog: Sometimes it feels like you are missing those pieces or you have the wrong piece and if you could just find it you could finish the entire picture. Instead you get angry and upset tossing it aside letting all the pieces fall apart only to start all over again. Then you do find that piece and it’s too late, because you’ve already given up and have to start all over again.
Ronald: If you let someone help you out, you could probably put that puzzle back together a lot quicker you know, it’s a lot easier when you aren’t going it alone.
Dog: You still have to find someone who is willing to sit there with you and work with it.
Ronald: Well I might have a place for you at my farm, Maybe this could be a new start for you might have all the pieces there, why don’t you let me call my grandma Wendy. [pulls out cellphone]
Dog: Well I don’t know, Life’s been ruff but I’ve never been a farmhand.
Ronald: I just need someone to help me watch sheep it’s not tough work.
Dog: Well ok, It can’t hurt to try, right?
Ronald: [Dials phone, and holds up to ear] Gramma! Hello! It’s me, Ronald.
[Key Music “Show must go on, By Queen”]
[Dog sings song Fog machine fills the stage with fog Dog rips off jacket where he is wearing a tank top he turns around and puts on bushy Freddie Mercury Mustache, stage goes black Curtain closes]
[Open Curtain Cat is in the barn by herself]
Cat: I don’t know what all these other goons are excited about. It’s probably just some mangy dog with no brains, and bad breath. I just miss Old McDonald… (Sobs)
[Enter Grandma Wendy]
Grandma: What are ya doin’ in here by yourself little puss, why ya so wet? Oh I see you’ve been cryin’ we all miss him ya know.
Cat: I know I just don’t seem to get along with anyone else here, they all keep calling me a big bitch, but I’m a cat! Plus I’m very slender.
Grandma: I don’t think bitch means what ya think it means… well neve’ mind. You just gotta give ‘em a chance and be yourself, stop puttin’ ‘em all down.
Cat: These low lives? That pig was rolling around in the mud, MUD for christs sake? With a smile on that porky face like he enjoyed it. Who enjoys being dirty and wet? This pussy definitely does not.
Grandma: I think you’d be surprised, plus we’ve a new addition joining us. Maybe you two will end up bein’ friends. In fact I’m just about to call a meeting cause he’s fixin’ ta be here in a second.
Cat: I doubt it… hmph.
[Grandma rings bell, Animals filter in. All chattering excitedly.]
[Everyone falls silent]
Grandma: Attention Everyone! As I’m sure y’all’ve heard we have a new animal joining us on this farm, and he’ll be here shortly. I need all of you to behave and act nicely towards him.
[Animals Chatter excitedly again]
Grandma: Okay okay, settle down y’all! He’ll be here
[Car door Slams]
Grandma: apparently right now so hush it!
[Dog Walks in Slow motion Fan blows his ears back as he smooths his leather Jacket holding a bone, Animals fade into background Leaving Cat]
[Key Music “Close to you, by the Carpenters”]
[Birds Fall from sky during “birds Suddenly appear” cat and dog play with them together and begin dancing, Other animals adorn Halos and and white robes as backup chorus]
[Song Ends Animals begin gathering around dog]
Cat [aside]: I can’t possibly be attracted to this… this dog! No no no no no NO! I mean he does have perfect teeth, and that golden brown fur, and he looks so sexy holding that bone… Snap out of it cat!
[Dog walks towards cat.]
Dog: Hey! What’s up tiger?
Cat: [Blushes] Oh, I’m just a regular cat, no tiger here. [laughs awkwardly]
Dog: I know it’s an expression, love.
Cat [Aside]: Did he just call me love? He can’t be hitting on me so blatantly… God is he dreamy.
Cat: Ha Ha! As was I. Of course of course.
Dog: Well, maybe you could show me around the farm?
Cat: oh of course! Let’s go!
[Lights out, curtain closes]
[Curtains open to a bed where there lay Cat and Dog talking]
Cat: Can you believe you’ve already been here for 3 weeks?
Dog: I can’t it’s just flown by so quickly. I love every moment we get to share together.
Cat: I do too, I knew from the first moment I saw you that I liked you. So why not spend time with you.
Dog: I agree and you know what they say! YOLO!
Cat: What the hell does that mean, and who are they? A bunch of fucking Beiber fans.
Dog: It means you only live once, you know we’ve got one life?
Cat: [ looks aside and quietly speaks] or nine.
Dog: What was that?
Cat: Oh nothing. Plus didn’t you say you had something you wanted to ask me?
Dog: Oh yeah [Fumbles around with words] Well I uh was just like uh wondering if maybe you uh would like to uh maybe um…. Get something to eat?
Cat: Oh you just wanted to get dinner again? [showing obvious disappointment]
Dog: Yeah you know, I was thinking maybe we could eat something besides fish tonight.
Cat: Oh I guess, though there really is nothing better than fish though. Did you still want to meet up tomorrow?
Dog: of Course!
[Key Music: “Ben E. Hill Theme Song” Cat and dog dig through trunk having different montage moments of comedic effect with other animals coming on stage and joining them sometimes as they run around the stage doing crazy things. Music ends stage goes black.]
[Curtains Open Cat stands alone in a crowd of animals Sheep and Dog not on Stage]
Cat: (whistling) Has anyone seen dog?
[Asks ever Character on Stage one by one ending with Donkey]
Donkey: Well I think I saw him out by that there pond with sheep having a picnic.
[Key Music “One Way or Another, By Blondie” cat sings song, which will cue a montage where cat chases dog around everywhere dog exits stage before song ends leaving cat by herself]
[After the song ends light dims spot light focuses on Dog and sheep while other animals exit stage. Dog and Sheep are carrying a picnic basket and some wine.]
Dog: So when is everybody else coming?
Sheep: Oh, they said they’d be here shortly.
[Setting up blanket they sit down]
Dog: It’s so serene down here.
Sheep: It sure is! Let’s enjoy the moment a little more and pour out this wine.
[Pours wine, spills some on dog]
Sheep: OH no! Here let me get that.
[Starts petting dog]
Dog: No, no it’s fine, I’ll just take this off, it’s nice out anyway.
Sheep: I brought an extra coat, I never know when I’m going to get sheared.
Dog: Oh Thanks!
[Dog removes jacket and shirt and puts on Sheep’s coat, Cat walks up]
Cat: Well, what is going on here!? Are you some sort of wolf in sheep’s clothing?
Dog: It’s not what it looks like, don’t get your tail in bunch sweetheart.
Cat: And you [points finger] you trollop!
Sheep: It’s just wine darling, nothing personal.
Cat: Don’t you smile so sheepishly at me, I’m done here [runs away sobbing]
Sheep: Well that was surely something else.
Dog: Cat! Wait! Please!
[Dog run’s after cat]
Sheep: Oh dog! Don’t go!
[Spotlight on sheep key music “Girlfriend, by Avril Lavigne” After song curtains close]
[We open back in the barnyard Other Animals in the Background Dog searching for cat]
Duck: What are you doing looking so frantic?
Dog: I’m looking for Cat we got into a fight, and she’s all mixed up right now.
Duck: OH! Well she can get a little quackers sometime! I’m telling you it’ll be just fine.
Dog: OH I don’t know! She saw me with Sheep and got the wrong impression this one might not go over so smoothly.
Duck: Uh oh! That sheep’s a shady character, but I didn’t realize you and Cat were an item?
Dog: Well we are and we aren’t. I just haven’t quite gotten up the nerve to ask her. They say every dog has their day and I’ve just been waiting for mine.
Duck: Well they also say something about sleeping dogs lying, so I don’t know if she should trust you.
Dog: Let’s not talk sayings I’m telling the truth. Will you just help me out?
Duck: Alright alright calm down mary! I saw her head into the house with Grandma but you better not prove me a fool.
Dog: Thank you So much you won’t regret this!
Duck: Just put it on my Bill! [Quack laugh then Yells] Don’t say I never gave you nothing!
[Dog Runs off Stage Spotlight focuses on House Cut out as it slowly turns around Cat and Grandma are inside the house]
Cat: [sobbing] I can’t believe he would do this to me, this is what I get for opening up my heart.
Grandma: No deary, have ya talked to ‘im yet? It might not’ve been what ya thought ye saw.
Cat: How could it be anything else but what I saw? He was in her own fur?
Grandma: Well that’s for ‘im to explain love.
[Dog bashes through door panting]
Grandma: Oh my! I think I should go check the stuff, and the things.
[Grandma scurries away]
Cat: And what are you doing here?
Dog: Will you just let me explain?
Cat: Well I guess, I don’t know what you could possibly have to say to me. I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks.
Dog: Come on that’s not fair. Don’t pussyfoot around and pretend that you don’t care. Sheep told me that everyone was coming up to have a picnic and then she spilled wine on my clothes. Look!
[Gestures towards wine stained garments]
Cat: Well why didn’t you say that in the first place?
Dog: You didn’t really give me a chance to explain myself, and we also aren’t officially dating.
Cat: Well you haven’t really asked me to be….
Dog: Well I wanted it to be special, not like this.
Cat: Well it could be special.
Dog: Here take my hand!
[Cat takes dogs hand Key music “It’s your love, by Tim McGraw and Faith” Song ends with them kissing Curtains close] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQQMJ2u6fGE
[Cat’s voice begins narrating]
Cat: That’s the story of my first love, the first time I really felt something for anyone else. It turns out this one’s forever We’re still loving each other and it just keeps getting better. I told you this story not to brag but to remind you all that there is love out there for all of us no matter who we are, we all just have to be ourselves.
[Curtain opens to Entire cast Singing “Friday I’m in love, By the Cure”]
[Curtain opens to Entire cast Singing “Accidentally in love, By Counting Crows”]